Butter by Randi Johansen, Pastry Sous Chef
I love butter. One of my friends (can she even be called that anymore?) just confessed that she prefers margarine to butter. I refuse to accept this. I keep telling myself that I heard her incorrectly, because I can’t even fathom a world in which butter takes a back seat to margarine. Margarine is a butter substitute, and we all know how we feel about substitutes. You don’t even show up to class when there’s a substitute. Substitutes get spitballs thrown at them.
I mean, do I have to make a list? Honey butter, herb butter, butter pecan, butter rum, butterscotch, buttercream, butter cookies. “Hey kids! Who wants a margarine cookie?” Answer: Nobody. Because that’s disgusting.
Other substances wish they were butter. Cocoa butter. Shea butter. Peanut butter. Butterball turkeys. Butternut squash. Butter lettuce. Butter beans. Those last few really get me hot under the collar. Freakin’ vegetables.
And butter is so cool, it’s even got its own knife. What other spread can say that?
So bring it on! Bring on the 7 grams of saturated fat per serving! Bring on those clogged arteries! I just know I’m going to be in a hospital bed one day, lying next to Paula Deen, both of us waiting for a heart transplant. And you know what? I’m going to give her my place in line so that she can continue her life’s work of raising butter awareness across the land. God speed, Paula.
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